Godhunter Read online

  At least consciously I did. My subconscious must have had other thoughts because he was waiting for me. It was the same room I always envisioned, his bedroom. He was sitting on the bed and he stood with a smile. It disappeared when he saw my face.

  “No,” he came over and pulled me in against his chest. “Don't do this again, darling.”

  “I can't get over you if I keep dreaming about you,” I jerked away before I gave in to my own imagination.

  How crazy was that? I was basically arguing with myself over an imaginary relationship. I'd officially lost my mind. That's what dwelling on a hopeless situation had done. Instead of doing the healthy thing; crying, eating lots of ice cream, and moving on, I'd made a make-believe world where everything had remained the same and it had driven me nutso.

  “You don't have to get over me,” his eyes pleaded. “I'm right here.”

  “You're not real,” I held up a hand when he started forward.

  “Yes, I am,” he'd been telling me for weeks how it was really him, not some figment of my imagination, but that was exactly what I'd wanted him to say. I knew where I was. I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't tell when I was dreaming anymore.

  “Stop it,” I forced the room to change. We stood on a stark expanse of cold white marble.

  “Vervain,” he ran a hand through his hair in an achingly familiar gesture. “You called me here. We have a link, just like you and Blue. Why can't you believe that it's been me this whole time?”

  “Because you say exactly what I want you to say,” I laughed almost hysterically. “Why am I arguing with you? You would never come to me and just immediately forgive me after the horrible things I said to you. Life isn't that easy.”

  “We were both very angry that day,” he sighed deep. “I know you didn't mean what you said. Let's just move on. Let me come to you if you won't come to me. I'll be there in five minutes and you'll have your proof that it's really me in here.”

  “You can't,” I shook my head at my own obstinacy. “I've re-warded the house against you.”

  “You what?” Oh, there was a look I remembered. It was times like this, when my mind added those little details, that I could almost believe it really was Thor.

  “We're over,” I wondered if this was my mind's way of ending things. Maybe I should tell him yes and then when he didn't show up, I'd have my closure. “It was my way of ending the relationship.”

  “You think I'd hurt you?” He took my upper arms in hand and turned me to face him. “I'm sworn to protect you... forever, Vervain. No matter what happens between us, I am unable to harm you.”

  “Physically, yes.”

  “Ah, here's the truth finally,” he let me go. “You're afraid.”

  “I'm cautious.”

  “No, you're scared shitless,” he ground out. “You're afraid of loving me and me not loving you back. Or even worse, of me loving you back and then you wrecking it somehow.”

  “See,” I pointed at him. “Only the Thor I imagined would know that.”

  “Vervain,” he let out a frustrated breath. “I've been here in your head with you for weeks. I know you pretty damn well now. I know why you're afraid and I can honestly tell you, you have nothing to fear with me. I love you, Vervain.”

  “I love you too,” I felt a tear drip down my cheek as I sent him away.

  I woke with renewed heartache as usual but this time it was accompanied by the hope that it would fade. I'd released Thor. Now I could move on. Blue was gone too, so I could actually go back to dreaming like a normal person. The thought got me out of bed with a better outlook. I would go back to my old routine, where I just killed gods instead of falling in love with them. I stopped in front of my bathroom mirror and stared at the pale face there. I loved him. I'd finally admitted it. I loved Thor.

  “Too little, too late, you idiot,” I hung my head and ran the water as I tried to tell myself that all the things he'd said to me in my dreams were just my own imagination. I'd fallen in love with my own ideal man. He wasn't real. “Then why does it feel so real?”

  I washed my face and headed out to the kitchen to make some coffee. At least this whole twisted experience had made me realize something important. I couldn't trade myself to Blue for humanity's sake. Yes, I was a selfish bitch. As much as I thought of myself as a soldier for the greater good, I couldn't make the ultimate sacrifice. I wanted to live. I wanted to love.

  And I wanted to kill Blue.

  As I flipped on the TV and started to make some breakfast, I knew it was the only solution. I had to kill Blue. After getting to know him, to know his motivations, it wasn't something I'd enjoy doing but I knew it was my last hope. There had to be a way. As powerful as he was, removing his head would still kill him. I had to focus on that and on the fact that I had the upper hand. He wanted me. I could use that. I just had to come up with a plan.

  “Three bodies were found in an alley off Lewers street last night,” the reporter announced dramatically from my TV screen.

  Well, that got my attention. I spun around and went into the living room to watch. The petite brunette was standing in front of a taped off alley where a plethora of police were scrambling about. Hawaii didn't have a lot of crimes like this, so HPD was in a tizzy.

  “Honolulu Police are not releasing all the details so far but we've been told that all three victims are Caucasian, two females and one male. The bodies were discovered by this man, Mr. Raymond Delacruz. Mr. Delacruz, can you tell us how you made this gruesome discovery?”

  The camera panned over to a young man in an Ainokea tank and jeans. His dark eyes were glazed, his entire body randomly twitching. He looked at the camera, at the alley, then back again before answering.

  “Yeah, ah,” he swallowed hard. “I went out to empty the trash last night after we cleaned the kitchen. I saw what I thought was a stack of mannequins lying by the dumpster,” he gestured wildly and then took a deep breath. “But they weren't dummies. When I slammed the lid shut, it hit the pile and one of their arms flopped out and I just knew. I knew they were bodies.”

  “That must have been a shocking experience for you,” the reporter prompted calmly.

  “Shocking?” He snorted. “Yeah, shocking. They were so white. I mean, I know they Haoles and all but they were real white. I don't think they had any blood in 'em.” He started to shake. “I ran back in and we called 911.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Delacruz.” The reporter droned on but I didn't hear it.

  I sat in a state of shock, my coffee forgotten as I processed it all. Three victims piled neatly in an alley, drained of blood. Who would do that? Who could do that? It stank of vampires. Which meant it was probably Blue. Was he so angry at me for the dreams that he'd send out his minions to kill indiscriminately? The mere fact that I didn't want to believe he'd do such a thing, showed how much Blue had gotten to me.

  “I'm the damn frog,” I muttered.

  You can boil a frog alive by placing it in a pot of water and just slowly turning up the heat. The poor thing would just keep adjusting to the temperature, never realizing it was dying. All it had to do was jump out to save itself but it wouldn't. It would just sit there enjoying the jacuzzi. Blue had done that to me. He'd sweet talked me, showed me parts of himself, opened up about his past and his family, till I thought I knew him. When actually, he was just turning up the heat, little by little.

  “Maybe it's just a human killer,” I finally took a sip of my coffee and calmed a bit. “I could be overreacting.” I went back into the kitchen to finish breakfast but after I finally managed to swallow it all, it just sat like a rock in my belly.

  Chapter Forty-One

  “A person's day of birth determines which animal twin they are linked to,” I was reading aloud from the book on Aztec magic, Kai had brought to my attention. “Not all are born with the power to become Nahualli, direct English translation Transforming witch.” Sounded perfect for me. “Those born under especially strong animal links, such as jaguar or puma, can as
cend to the position of Nahualli. These sorcerers, could use their Nahual for good or evil depending on their personalities. They were known to transform into their animal twin, using this form to trick or to help others. Very powerful Nahualli were said to have the ability to enslave another person's Nahual or to take it altogether, leaving an individual bereft without his link to Nature.”

  I peered at the pictures of men caught in mid-transformation, with fascination. Were humans actually able to do this? It's hard for me to know what to believe anymore. Five years ago, I would have assumed the stories to be referring to a symbolic change, a magical link to animal energy. Transformations would take place in a metaphysical way only. After meeting werewolves and gods who could shift into anything they wanted though, it was hard to know for sure. Could Atlanteans have given humans such an impressive ability? Or was it possible that we had it all on our own? That this was just another magic that they had stolen from us.

  I flipped past the pictures and searched for information on how a Nahualli came into his power. I was hoping there was some kind of ritual described. Some kind of hint for me to follow. I could just do some focused meditation but it hadn't worked so well the other day when Kai and I tried it. I had a glimpse of something white and furry but that was it. I needed a little more.

  “Here we go,” I scanned a page detailing a ritual used to contact your Nahual. “Offerings of tobacco and alcohol were common, left on an altar dedicated to the Nahual. Often a bowl of cornmeal, into which the supplicant's blood was dripped, was placed on the altar as a connection.”

  I frowned at the page. Blood was serious business in witchcraft, especially using your own. It linked you to the work in a practically unbreakable bond. If I did this, there was most likely no going back. There could be serious repercussions to welcoming an animal spirit into my life. I could take on traits of that animal. I could become unpredictable, even to myself. I could go insane.

  Then I thought of facing Blue again without any kind of edge. I didn't even have the God Squad anymore, I was back to going it alone. Maybe howling at the moon every now and again wouldn't be such a bad thing. It sounded better than being burnt alive by Blue's heat or becoming his blood ho until he got bored and sucked me dry.

  I got up to gather the items I needed. All the mentioned offerings were pretty standard so I had them in stock. The alcohol was in stock for non-magical use of course. I grabbed a bottle of Tequila, which I thought was appropriate. The cornmeal was in the pantry but I poured it into one of my wood ritual bowls and the tobacco leaves went into another little bowl.

  I lit a bundle of dried sage, shook it til the flames went out and took the smuldering herb around the room clockwise, just to make sure there wasn't any bad energy in the room. When that was done, I created a new altar on a hat box I placed in the center of the floor and covered with a white cloth. I lit two white candles and placed the offerings between them, the bowl of cornmeal in the center. Then with my athame, I closed a circle around me and the altar. I needed to be sure I was safe, especially since I'd be working with blood. My house wards were strong but an extra one wouldn't hurt.

  I sat in front of the altar and closed my eyes, centering myself and clearing my thoughts til they were focused on my task. I reached up with my energy and felt it connect with the power of the Moon, bright and sparkling, and then down into the Earth to feel it's stability rush up into me. I took a deep breath, filled with these swirling currents, and opened my eyes.

  I picked up the sharp knife I used for bloodletting, I never used my athame for that, and made a small cut in my pointer finger. The blood welled and dripped onto the cornmeal with a little zing of intent. I felt the power gathering, like static in a storm, and I knew I was on the right track.

  “I come here for knowledge,” I stated firmly as I pulled my hand away from the bowl. “I come here for aid. I am threatened by darkness and need a light to guide me, to protect me. I offer tequila, tobacco, cornmeal, and my blood. Three delights of the world and one connection to my flesh. Can you hear me, my Nahual? Will you help me? Take these offerings and let me know you, help me to understand you and how I may cultivate our power.”

  I sat back and closed my eyes again, trying to be as still as possible. After a few minutes, I began to feel a tingling in my fingertips and a weightlessness, as if the ground had fallen away beneath me. Opening my eyes would ruin the spell, so I kept them closed and concentrated on the sensation. Then came a brush of fur on my arm, like a large animal had nuzzled against me, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes shut.

  “Welcome,” I said instead. “Please accept these offerings in peace.”

  There was no answering voice or animal sounds but I felt the words inside me, knew that my Nahual was there and was pleased to finally be acknowledged. Then, in my mind, I finally caught sight of her. She came slowly out of the darkness, just a white glow until the shadows pulled back and revealed her fully.

  A white jaguar with golden brown markings and deep brown eyes. She sat regally, looking at me like she was looking into a mirror. She cocked her head and I cocked mine. She lifted a paw and I felt my hand raise as well. Then I felt an unmistakable wave of humor transfer from her to me. She was playing with me.

  It became clear then. She was a part of me. There was nothing here to fear. She had been with me all along, had shared every hurdle, every triumph, and every tear. This was me in my animal form. She knew me like no other because she was me.

  She opened her mouth in what could have been either a smile or a warning, and I saw her sharp teeth. Yes, she could bring me power to defend myself. She could bring me knowledge of things hidden. This wasn't just my animal form, this was the form of my magic. This was the part of me the gods were drawn to, attracted to. I giggled a little to think that Thor had actually been attracted to a large jungle cat. The Nahual laughed with me, a wheezing panting sound, and I laughed harder.

  My hurt melted away with our laughter and I suddenly knew that things were happening just as they needed to. That even if they weren't, I could only take responsibility for my actions and learn from my experiences. I couldn't change the past, so it was best to accept it. The only thing I truly needed to live happily was this part of me that I had finally found and the knowledge of that was so freeing, a sense of peace drifted over me. I was more calm than I'd ever been but also completely in awe of the wealth of magic I'd just stumbled into. It was like I'd been operating at half-mast for all of my life and someone had finally shouted; “Hey idiot, haul up those sails!”

  This hadn't been about calling a new power to me. This wasn't an offering to a strange, unknown spirit. This was an awakening. This was an offering to myself, a way to bring suppressed parts to the light. My whole body shuddered as pieces of my soul opened to shed light on undiscovered potential. My eyes shot open as I gasped.

  “Time to wake up.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  “Waikiki cringes in terror while the killing spree continues,” the man stared at me accusingly from my TV.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I scraped my fingers back along my scalp.

  “HPD has now released details on the murders and they are chilling,” he continued. “The throats are cut and the victims are drained of blood before they are disposed of. The death toll is now ten and all the victims have been killed in the same manner. Police have no suspects at this time but believe it to be the work of a group and not just an individual. They advise people to be cautious and avoid going out at night until these murderers are caught. Although all the bodies have been found in Waikiki, the police urge locals to be wary no matter where they live. There has been no blood found at any of the crime scenes and so HPD is assuming the victims are killed elsewhere and then moved.”

  I took a steadying breath as I went through my options. I couldn’t just let the people of Hawaii pay in blood for my sins, or bad luck as the case may be. I had a horrible feeling that this was all just an elaborate trap, a way to get me to come out
of hiding, but what choice did I have? There was really only one option for me. I had to go hunt me some vampires.

  At least I’d kept up with my workouts while I was in my pit of despair. It's funny how good working out feels when you're already miserable. It's like the emotional pain is so overwhelming, the physical feels good by comparison. You also get that great post-workout exhaustion that feels about as close to oblivion as you can manage when your heart is shattered. Plus, it's better for you than ice cream. The main thing was, I felt secure enough to tackle some vampires.

  Thanks to the Vampire God himself, I was now even better at killing vampires. My last run in with his babies had gone a lot smoother, due largely to his advice. How ironic it was that he’d given me the info to make killing his children easier and how convienient that it was the same way I used to kill gods.

  I put on my gloves because they were kind of my security blanket where weapons are concerned… or like my American Express card, I never left home without them. But my main weapon was going to be my kodachi, which I strapped to my waist. I’d been studying sword play for five years, yes ever since Ku, and I was pretty good but finesse wasn’t necessary when you were beheading someone. All that mattered was a good grip, a strong swing, and the ability to follow through with your hips. Oh yeah, and a magically empowered blade helped a bunch.

  I took one more look in the mirror before I left. I know, vanity thy name is woman, but can I help it if I wanted to look good on the first night I’d been out in over a month? I’d dressed in Matrix-chic. Black leather pants, a black leather zip-front vest that gave better lift than a push-up bra, black leather boots with bladed heels, my kodachi, and my gloves. Basically my normal hunting gear. Black leather might be cliché but it works. It absorbs the light and is comfortable to move in, as well as providing more protection than say, cotton. Kevlar might protect better but it was difficult to move in and really, when it came down to it, Kevlar couldn't protect me from vampires or gods. I had spells for that.